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Thread: amorous married woman - help needed!!I

  1. #1
    Senior Member Lighttouch's Avatar
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    amorous married woman - help needed!!I

    Well, let's not complain you might say!

    You may know that I really enjoy going to my local all abilities cycling club. Its membership keeps growing and today there must have been just short of 150 people using the bikes, trikes, quads and recumbants.

    It's more of a community than a cycling club as one disabled person is prepared to travel 50 miles plus to attend. Luckily it's only a few miles away for me.

    I like to do my bit with graphics and in the past helped them with a website.

    I've been going for near on three years and I know a lot of the volunteers who are both disabled and non-disabled.

    There's one helper who has a soft spot for me and likes to get physical when I arrive and go. You could say she's very 'hands on' or tactile with me.

    Don't get me wrong - she's non-disabled, very athletic and I find her attractive - there is a special bond and I like her company. Today before I left she rushed up to me and we had a very nice hug and kiss. She's soooo nice but she's also married.

    I would ask her out despite her marital commitments but we do know the same people at the club and I don't want to tarnish her marriage, my reputation and I still love cycling.

    The question is do I let her carry on lavishing her affections on me at the club or do I report her inappropriate behaviour or lap it up.

    Confused!!
    Last edited by Lighttouch; 01-06-14 at 08:24.

  2. #2
    Senior Member catlover's Avatar
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    No need to be confused. Just stop hugging and kissing married women. Simples!

  3. #3
    Senior Member beau's Avatar
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    Ask her politely not to be so lavish with her affections as it puts you in an awkward position regarding her husband and other group members.
    Certainly don't ask her out, there is your pride. Married women should be a big no, until they are free that is.

  4. #4
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    I agree with catlover and beau.
    This woman may just be a very tactile, affectionate person. It could be that she is unhappy in her marriage, or even the type of person who has affairs. Who knows? But, she is married, so she has a husband and possible children who would be affected if you acted on her affection towards you. Affairs do not generally end well, someone always gets hurt. (I have experience of this with my ex husband who had affairs with other women).
    I would try to have a quiet word with her, saying you appreciate her friendship etc, but find her affection flattering but inappropriate as she is married.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

  5. #5
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    Omg.com Lap it up matey. Lap it up!

  6. #6
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    I've always worked on the basis of being clear about boundaries - both my own towards others, and other people's towards me. Anyone who is 'unavailable' (married, has a partner or boyfriend) stays in that status unless they clearly become single again. To my mind, those who are unavailable come as a 'job lot' - their husband / partner / boyfriend as well as any dependants.

    There were one or two women with whom there could have been something when I was younger, but I respected the fact they were 'unavailable', treasured them as friends and knew it could be nothing more. To my great delight, both their relationships have survived nearly twenty years and they both are happily settled with children. Those relationships were, and are, a big part of what makes them the friends I treasure.

    Indeed, I have quite a few female friends who are in the 'unavailable' bracket, and it is a pleasure to love them and their partner(s).

    I'm fortunate that around ten years ago, I fell in love with someone who was also single and unattached. Whilst we're apart because of the difficulty of two disabled people living together (otherwise we'd marry and settle down together), we're both very happy to be 'unavailable'.


    As babyblu64 says, some people are more physically affectionate than others. In appropriate contexts, I'm a great believer in hugs and kisses, believing that us Brits often tend to be far too reserved in situations where we can make appropriate use of hugs to comfort, console or encourage others.

    However, it's important to be clear that any display of affection is wanted and is not misunderstood. I certainly wouldn't hug or kiss anyone else in the way, or with the meaning, that I would hug and kiss my girlfriend. It's the same with emotional intimacy - there are times when I have shared in very personal discussions with others, but there is a dividing line that is crossed when you start to become the other person's primary source of emotional support, you are confusing their loyalties to their husband / partner / boyfriend or they are confusing your loyalties to your husband / partner / girlfriend.


    In summary, my approach is respect yourself, respect the other person and respect any partner(s) (yours and theirs - though I know you're single, Lighttouch) and children involved.



    In this case, you clearly think that the dividing line is right on the verge of being crossed - you describe her as amorous and that you would ask her out.

    Asking her out might appear attractive, but is likely to end disastrously for you both. By asking her out, you're asking her to divide her loyalties between you and her husband. She can't have you both at that husband / partner / boyfriend level, because if she gets involved with you, she's damaging her relationship with her husband. Before long, she would likely either be facing a choice to end one of the relationships, or no choice because her husband decides to end their marriage.

    For the reasons I've already explained, I don't have any experience of relationships that start as affairs, but I expect that once the decision to end the previous relationship(s) are made and the fall out begins, the new and exciting affair becomes burdened with being the primary source of support during the guilt, recrimination and mess of dismantling former life/lives. The relationship would certainly never be the same again.

    Affairs are attractive because they are new, have an element of daring or risk involved, and because there's that spark that makes you see yourself or think about yourself in a fresh way. None of those things can last.


    The alternative approach is to stand up for the boundaries, by making it clear that you value her as a friend, but explaining that you respect both her and her husband, which means you are not interested in anything that could confuse or damage their relationship, and that you respect yourself, which means you are not prepared to get dragged into the middle of someone else's relationship.

    If standing up for boundaries ends it completely, it wasn't something sustainable alongside respect of those boundaries, in which case you've ended it at an early stage before people get badly hurt. If that doesn't end it, you've got a friend who'll give you a hug, share a laugh, but knows it's nothing more so she shouldn't even think about dividing her loyalties.

    If you think it will be impossible to maintain appropriate boundaries in the future or she expresses ambiguity about her commitment to her marriage, I think you should seriously consider ending it. The longer it goes on without clear boundaries and transparency, including her husband's knowledge, the harder and more painful it will be to end in the future, also the more risk that you will become the fulcrum over which her marriage breaks. It may be that she is looking for an end to the marriage, but I would be wanting a clear and unambiguous end to the marriage and a respectful period of time before getting involved.


    N.B. I've used the terms boyfriend for the other person's partner and girlfriend for the reader's partner simply because English does not have a non-gendered term to express this concept, also because I'm a heterosexual male and Lighttouch writes from that perspective.

    I value all types of relationship, not least as it's not for me to dictate someone else's preferences or to judge the love that someone else has found, so I trust the reader can make appropriate substitutions for any same-sex relationships. I long for a world of greater disability inclusion, but also for other forms of inclusiveness as well, including relationship orientation and sexual orientation.

  7. #7
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    I'll try to be brief.

    It's a possibility that she is just flirting with you and getting off on the response she gets from you and is not interested in anything more - it is just an ego boost for her. Stop the hugs and kisses.

    My suggestion would be that you cool it down with her, make it clear you are not interested in what she is offering. Otherwise you may find that it is you that will end up either embarrassed or humiliated.

    On the other hand you could be reading far too much into this situation because you fancy her and want things to go further. Forget about it - she is married and this could end up with you either embarrassed or humiliated, if you try and take things further.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Lighttouch's Avatar
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    Thanks for all your advice folks - it helps.

    The person mentioned has been married since being a late teenager and has three teenage children.

    I doubt whether she’s thought things through about the consequences of notching the friendship up - but I’m well aware of the fallout and heart ache it can cause.


    About 5 years ago I attended a workshop and was so impressed with the woman running the course that I chatted with her and praised her abilities to evolve the training to meet the students needs. She emailed notes to all students and I just relayed my thanks for an interesting workshop.


    She then suggested that we keep in touch by private email and could meet up after work for a coffee and light bite.


    We did. And afterwards I drove her home and dropped her off at the end of the road - we kissed goodnight.


    We then had a series of emails that were both humorous and an insight into each others feelings. At this stage I was unaware that she had only been married for 12 months.


    To all intents and purposes I thought I was seeing a single woman - she was 17 years my junior and non-disabled.


    We met a few times mid way between our homes and eventually she wanted us to go back to my place one Sunday afternoon. It was just natural - we just got on and jelled - still no mention about a partner.


    Before you knew it we were meeting three times a week and she told me that she was married but it was an open marriage.
    You’d be surprised how you can just accept situations without further question but she was the one deceiving her partner and inventing stories to cover her tracks.


    Our little romance went on for 12 months. But her partner knew things weren’t right as their love life ground to a halt. In the end I decided to end it because she was becoming stressed with all the lies she was telling her husband.


    You have to realise it was her that initiated things and I didn’t disagree. Sometimes you can find your true soul mate but the circumstances aren’t right. In the end guilt takes over and the worry that you’ll get caught. It was fun and exciting but going nowhere.


    She’s still married but I guess it’s a marriage of convenience not love. Her partner had attributes that I lacked and vice verser. I still bump into her occasionally and we extend niceties.


    So I guess I’ve learnt that there is nothing to be gained from dating a married woman - the negatives out do the positive factors.


    I think I’ll just keep to being good friends at the club. She obviously has a need to feel appreciated and loved outside her family - it probably helps her wellbeing - I’m all for that as long as we keep to the boundaries.


  9. #9
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    Seeing as you've had this happen before, I assume you do not want it to happen again. Just make sure you are polite with this women to tell her you want your space. Telling her this can also change your relationship with her.

  10. #10
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    Life is complicated and i'd say....Back Off Now! Whats YOUR moral stanch? Is marriage sacred or a convenience to be jettisoned?
    If your disabled theres an extra issue, do ppl accept me for who I am? but only temporary liasons? I have met you and thought you a nice chap. Don't enter a world of hurt by getting involved with married ladies.

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