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Thread: How would you feel?

  1. #1
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    How would you feel?

    So been helping (well handing someone nails is helping) my OH to fence all weekend and we were totally kuh-nackered on Sat night and had an Indian takeaway. Whilst waiting a disabled man came in, he had some sort of Motor Neurone Disease and the waiter showed him to a table next to our waiting area.

    The disabled guy pulled out a seat to sit down but didnt pull it out far enough and so he was too close to the table, so when seated he couldn't swing his legs under the table as the toe of his shoe was wedged against the table leg.

    So scene set, he kept pulling at his leg and looking down but couldnt see why his foot wouldnt move, he tried shifting backwards but was unable to move the chair back, he was effectively stuck.

    I wanted to help but felt that my help would be unwanted as I'm female, so gave my husband the look, but he didnt do anything and we endured his discomfort for a couple of minutes before he managed to raise his leg high enough to allow his toe to drop down allowing him to pull his leg around.

    As a disabled person who would have been able to help, I found this whole situation torture and I know my OH was aware that i wanted to throttle him for doing nothing.

    Once in the car we had the inevitable discussion, instigated defensively by my husband which ran along the lines of "that was a very determined man who wouldn't have thanked me for helping him in any way" and my "we're all bloody determined that's why we get out of bed in the morning" reply.

    I would always be grateful for any help anyone would give me or any small consideration shown me as a less than able person.

    I dont know if this is a gender thing but I wonder are females more capable of accepting help of this kind than males would be or is that my gender bias. Any thoughts welcome. How would you have reacted to an unasked for helping hand?

  2. #2
    Senior Member acheron's Avatar
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    Hi Boo I try to be considerate to everyone able or not I think it's what missing in society
    I don't mind if someone gave me help it's appreciated
    We have a family member with cerebral palsy (male) and he growls at you if you try and help he says if I need it I will ask and struggles rather than asks
    maybe it's each individual but I would have ask the guy if he needed help and if he said yes tell OH to get on with it xx

  3. #3
    Senior Member andypandy's Avatar
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    Hi Boo

    I completely agree with acheron. I think it's an individual thing too. In saying that I think it must be slightly harder for men to ask for help. Whoops, have I just contradicted myself LOL.

    I have a friend who's husband is VERY stubborn and refuses point blank to ask for help and would rather go without things rather than ask for help. In saying that I very rarely ask for help but am very grateful if it's offered. So I suppose, yes it is an individual thing. I bet you could have cut the tension with a knife in your car Saturday night LOL

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    To be honest, the whole situation gave us a chance to talk through some difficult issues, which we've all faced AP in our relationships, when one healthy person finds themselves"stuck" with a disabled person.

    In this case, the chaps wife joined him after 5 mins and asked if they could sit in the back room and when the waiter said yes, she just got up and walked off leaving her husband to struggle after her. And though difficult to witness such a personal event it did enable me to point out to my OH that there are 2 people making concessions for each other not just one! We never know what is happening in other peoples lives and in their relationships but there are always 2 points of view and both parties needs to remember that!

    Sad though it may sound it was actually a positive event for our relationship, with my OH realising that i cut him slack for his feelings and his behaviours and its not just a one way street!

  5. #5
    Senior Member andypandy's Avatar
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    That's great to hear Boo, as they say "it's good to talk"

    My ex-husband could not cope with my disability and he left me last January. He would never talk about how he felt. When we met I wasn't disabled so it was a massive change for both of us and he couldn't cope with having carers in the house 3 time a day and in our bedroom. Eventually he moved out of the bedroom to get some privacy, it didn't help our marriage and it was the beginning of the end.

    I'm so glad you and OH could talk things through - good on ya both, it's not easy

  6. #6
    Senior Member flowerangelx's Avatar
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    I think I would be embarrassed if somebody tried to help me. I would appreciate the help, though. It isn't very often that you find somebody kind enough to even consider it.

    I remember being out with my partner(having a quiet drink), I had my crutches balanced up again a wall, they fell over, and some guy proceeded to start taking pictures of his friends posing with them..I was mortified. My partner, on the other hand, asked them what they thought they were doing, asked them to put them back and to go away.

    I'm so pleased that I have a partner who is extremely understanding. We originally met while I was out with a friend, he saw my crutches, asked what I'd done and the rest is history. He understood everything, including my Social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia(I am somewhat ok with familiar places, as long as they are nearly empty.) Although he gets a little upset when I can't go to gigs or on walks with him(I would love to one day though.)

  7. #7
    Senior Member andypandy's Avatar
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    I suppose it depends on the kind of help offered flowerangelx. I dropped something in ASDA the other day and a man picked it up for me. I had no problem with that and was very grafeful. Think my carer had nipped to the loo, so it did look as though I was alone.

    However, if someone wanted to help by pushing me when I didn't want them to, I would get v angry.

    I can't believe how those lads behaved - disgusting !

  8. #8
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    I know AP its bizarre, I want people to understand there's nothing to be afraid of when interacting with disabled people but, it's a bit like a backlash to the PC ideal, people have basically no respect and couldn't care less how their actions effect others!

    Flowerangelx I try not to let others negative attitudes affect how I view myself, sometimes its hard, but it helps to get cross not embarrassed (sp too many r's or s's lol) these yoofs were just pathetic I hope you're getting the help you need to get out and about more x

  9. #9
    Senior Member flowerangelx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by andypandy View Post
    I suppose it depends on the kind of help offered flowerangelx. I dropped something in ASDA the other day and a man picked it up for me. I had no problem with that and was very grafeful. Think my carer had nipped to the loo, so it did look as though I was alone.

    However, if someone wanted to help by pushing me when I didn't want them to, I would get v angry.

    I can't believe how those lads behaved - disgusting !
    I don't mind people picking things up for me, in fact, i'm grateful but I do get a little embarassed as I don't like to draw attention to myself.

    Their behaviour was disgusting - My boyfriend almost ended up in a fight with them because he questioned their actions!

  10. #10
    Senior Member flowerangelx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boo-dicca View Post
    I know AP its bizarre, I want people to understand there's nothing to be afraid of when interacting with disabled people but, it's a bit like a backlash to the PC ideal, people have basically no respect and couldn't care less how their actions effect others!

    Flowerangelx I try not to let others negative attitudes affect how I view myself, sometimes its hard, but it helps to get cross not embarrassed (sp too many r's or s's lol) these yoofs were just pathetic I hope you're getting the help you need to get out and about more x
    I do get the help I need to get out and about, thanks and 'yoofs'...they were around the same age as myself(I'm 25.) and I was absolutely disgusted. I would never, ever treat anybody like that.

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