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Thread: Issues with Friends when Newly Disabled

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by LucillaP View Post
    Actually. I have decided not to look again at this post. I am so very upset by what has been said. Thank you to those who have tried to help, it is appreciated but thanks to one person here, I am heartbroken now.
    Seems pointless replying if you are not returning....but just for the record.
    This is all down to you misreading a line in my reply and suddenly I'm the bad guy.
    Like many here I have been through and still am going through the "disability attitude" that exists, in society,friends, and even partners and family. You can't change it, so you have to change.

    Some people will report you to the DWP for horse riding, it's sad, it's wrong but it's a fact of your life now.

  2. #12
    Senior Member andypandy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LucillaP View Post
    Hi

    I know this is not strictly a "health" issue, more of a welfare issue so for that I am sorry. I have become disabled relatively recently & now spend a lot of time on my own at home. I go out for school runs when I can plus I have a huge love of horses - I own two of my own which I keep at home & try to ride twice a week if I am able - I am a disabled rider so it is a bit of a problem but with velcro & padding in various places plus hefty painkillers, I can manage it & from a welfare point of view makes me feel much better for a while.

    Anyway, I would like some advice on how to deal with friends - I know odd. I used to be very outgoing & bubbly but I am in constant pain so that is difficult now & for anything other than pottering about, I am in a wheelchair, although I can't sit for longer than about an hour even in my reclining wheelchair (I have major spinal issues). Some of my friends don't seem to be able to handle the change in me. I don't sit around and moan, I make sure I don't & if I am having a really bad day, I avoid everyone except my husband & kids of course. I am rubbish at asking for help, too independent for my own good but I am starting to feel quite lonely. Some friends just don't phone any more, all bar one don't visit any more - I suspect they just don't know what to say to me - but I am still the same person underneath, I am just in pain & can't get out very well.

    The only time I am treated as "normal" is when I am sitting on my horse - I think its because no one realises I am disabled so they talk to me as a "normal" person.

    So, I suppose I am asking for advice on how to deal with friends & also advice on how to ask for help when I need it without feeling like I am taking advantage of people & that I am failing by asking for help.

    Thank you, in advance for any ideas.
    Hello there

    I have replied to your other post but the mods are reviewing it before posting it (it happens from time to time).

    It sounds like you are newly disabled to me.

    I am 41 and lost my job when I was just 32 and have been a wheelchair user for about 5 years.

    It is different for me because we moved areas 7 years ago and then 3 weeks after I became bed-ridden for 20 months (this website kept me sane) so when I did eventually start to get out and about nobody knew the old me but what I do want to say is that these people are NOT your friends, I know that may sound harsh but that's my opinion. On the plus side you will make new friends and if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't have met the friends I now have and they are some of the best friends I have ever had.

    In saying that I have problems with my Mum, all of my family live 300 miles away and that's how she wants it because she cannot cope with me being in a wheelchair and when I go to visit she makes sure she keeps me away from her friends. I don't think she has come to terms with it and hasn't even told her friends and my wider family that I am even in a wheelchair.

    She even recently "forgot" to tell me that my nephew was making his First Holy Communion because she didn't want me going to the church where she knows people. It does hurt, don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell to be honest, but it is HER problem not mine.

    Don't forget you have friends on here now and thank you for bringing up this subject.

    I wish I could offer more help but if you need to chat we are all here for you.

    what your "friends" have is called "does she take sugar in her tea syndrome" meaning they seem to think you can't talk for yourself anymore because the wheelchair has taken away your power of speech lol

  3. #13
    Senior Member andypandy's Avatar
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    Oh flippin 'eck

    I ALWAYS read all of the replies before answering and ONE time I don't I waste my time replying to someone who isn't coming back gggrrrr !

    My shoulder is killing me too

    I can remember when I was first disabled I used to think everyone who didn't move out of my way was very rude and I used to growl at people. 5 years on after been permanently confined to a wheelchair I have learnt 2 valuable lessons, which I will share with you for free LOL

    No 1. Smile at people and they smile back
    No 2. People don't purposely get in my way they do not see me because I am not in their eye line
    Oh and there is a No 3. People aren't being rude, they just don't think !

  4. #14
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    I think the first time I realised that people thought differently about me and my illnesses was when I arrived at my fathers funeral and the coffin was carried passed me. I am the eldest child and I hadn't been asked to be a pallbearer. I hadn't even been involved in the discussions nd decision.

  5. #15
    Senior Member andypandy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue-badger View Post
    AndyPandy very wise words and so true.
    I am so inspired by it all.
    Thank you BB

    it doesn't happen often LOL

    hope you're well

  6. #16
    Senior Member andypandy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tatty_Tat View Post
    I think the first time I realised that people thought differently about me and my illnesses was when I arrived at my fathers funeral and the coffin was carried passed me. I am the eldest child and I hadn't been asked to be a pallbearer. I hadn't even been involved in the discussions nd decision.
    Oh that's really sad TT

  7. #17
    Senior Member flowerangelx's Avatar
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    I really feel for you on this one.

    When I had my accident last year, I ended up completely housebound 2 months..None of my friends even bothered contacting me in that time. In fact, a lot of my family didn't bother either. I sent numerous texts to people inviting them round, but each and every one of them were ignored.

    Another of my friends refused to contact me because I now claim ESA, or in her words, stealing the taxpayers money. I would LOVE to work and earn more money, but I just can't do that at the moment.

    My 'friends' now wonder why I finally snapped and told them that they were out of order and I wouldn't dream of treating them this way. I gave them the option of being better friends or ending our friendship. Sometimes you just have to be blunt with people.

    Those who ignore you because of your disabilities are just not worth it.

  8. #18
    Senior Member acheron's Avatar
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    Hi Flowerangelx your flogging a dead horse with this one i'm afraid poster has gone

    So sorry you have problems with friends it happens to most of us but hey at least on here we all know what being ill is like so we don't judge xx

  9. #19
    Senior Member flowerangelx's Avatar
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    Ah...Well, I thought I'd make the post because it appears to be a common thing. Maybe somebody else will read it and take advice from it

    I have noticed that! So refreshing to see support x

  10. #20
    Senior Member acheron's Avatar
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    It was a great topic and most of us have suffered in some way with relationships and you did leave good advice and someone will read it xx

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