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  1. #1
    Senior Member deebee's Avatar
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    Sad situation

    Getting it all wrong
    Posted in benefits section earlier about recent situation, but for those reading this who hadn't read that one, brief explanation.
    Daughter has three children aged ten twelve fourteen
    They are currently subject to an interim care order
    My son and his girlfriend are looking after the younger two and I am looking after the eldest
    Today was contact
    I have to supervise
    Today we met in middle
    Went for dinner
    First time youngest didn't scream at end
    Youngest wanted to stay at mine the night
    I agreed
    Eldest was going out with friends after
    Son was collecting middle child along with his daughter and overnight bag for eldest and eldest was to be at my son's by curfew
    I packed all the wrong stuff and forgot the tampons so eldest has hump with me
    Middle child asked me if she could live with me forever
    She told me she doesn't like it at her aunt and uncle
    I said I didn't have room for anyone else
    I am already sleeping on settee as have given my bedroom to eldest
    I explained that the social worker had decided who to place where and it had not been my decision
    I said I hoped they would all go home
    Middle child said she didn't think they would ever let them go home
    You are not supposed to have favourites but I feel that here i can admit that middle one is mine
    Nineteen year old son has brought home a new girlfriend tonight and although she's lovely I'm lying here on sofa feeling like my little hobbit dwelling is bursting at seams
    Doesn't help that I was forced two years ago to move due to bedroom tax
    Old House would have coped better
    Spent most of evening crying on phone to gentleman friend
    My lovely partner of eight years who lives 200 miles away
    We used to get together fortnightly
    I travelled up north once a month and he travelled down south once a month and it worked well
    I can't go up now and if he comes down i don't know where he will stay
    Meanwhile my daughter is broken hearted rattling round a four bedroom house by herself

  2. #2
    Senior Member phaedra's Avatar
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    It's a horrible position to be in, I know how it feels to be helpless having been in a similar situation.

    After 20 years of marriage and in the middle of our 20th anniversary trip to Florida with our 2 youngest (15 & 11 at the time) she told me she was leaving me for a 22yr old lesbian when we got back home. Long story short she left 2 months later, the two boys chose to stay with me and our daughter only being 11 couldn't choose between us so she took her, only choice I had was to let her go and be there for her whenever I could or drag her through months of arguing with my ex, going to court etc. etc. In the end she spent about 75% of her time staying at mine anyway while her mum claimed benefits for her.

    It'll be 12 years in October since that trip and the damage she did is still there every day. She has almost no contact at all with the boys (including my Autistic son who had only just been diagnosed) and my poor daughter has anxiety, depression and BPD as a result of having to deal with her mums suicide attempt when the girl she left me for dumped her after 2 years, my daughter was only 13 at the time.

    Things will get better, all you can do is be there for the children, they're the ones who need someone who can be a reliable source of love and support when their parents are dealing with all their own pain and the problems it brings.

  3. #3
    Senior Member deebee's Avatar
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    Funnily enough the family co ordinator asked if I could do that at the beginning
    I didn't realise then that the situation had gone as far as it has and I said I could not do so as i need to be here for my son who has aspergers and is at college
    He is about to start a pretty course.
    Plus I have recently had major adaptations here to make things easier for me
    The kitchen was altered and I had a wet room installed

  4. #4
    Senior Member deebee's Avatar
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    Update on sad situation
    Daughter in law got approved by fostering panel last week and I got approved this week,which means if the kids can't go home they will stay within the family.
    Final hearing in five weeks.

  5. #5
    Senior Member deebee's Avatar
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    Thank you pheadra
    Think I needed to kind of get that out there
    Having been here a long time i feel safe revealing personal stuff
    I have found that any thing i say to the sw gets twisted and used against my daughter

  6. #6
    Senior Member beau's Avatar
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    deebee, I really feel for your daughter, I can't imagine what it must be like to lose your children whatever the circumstances.
    Feel for you too having be in the situation of looking after a child, especially a teenager, when you really have no space for them although I do appreciate that you would rather do that than the child go to strangers.

    I can't imagine what all this situation is like for the children and what effect it is having on them all.

    When is the next hearing? Not too long in the future and I hope it has a positive outcome and the children go home to their mother where they belong.

  7. #7
    Senior Member deebee's Avatar
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    Hope it all goes well for your daughter
    You are a very dedicated father
    What is she studying?

  8. #8
    Senior Member deebee's Avatar
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    Your correct Beau.
    I now have a fold up bed.
    One of the questions the panel asked was would I move.
    My assessor ha warned it may go against me that I am reluctant.
    I couldn't go through it again!
    I moved here due to bedroom tax two years ago.
    They would move me,but I have my lovely wet room,and alterations to my kitchen due to my disability.
    The actual thought of moving is too much,and I would soon be in the same position as before with bedroom tax.
    They were obviously satisfied with my answer which was if my teenage son passes this years course it's automatic entry to uni,and he plans to be away 3 to 4 years,by which time Chloe will have her care leaving package.
    If he does go I can sleep in his room.
    It's touch and go though as he has aspergers,and the tensions here are not conducive to studying,and he is a bit behind,but hopes to make it up.
    I still pray that they will all go home,but it is not looking good

  9. #9
    Biscuitgazer
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    Hi deebee, nice to see you back and sorry for the sad situation. Maybe you could ask the social worker to swap the kids around so you get the middle one and the eldest goes to your son and his gf? That sounds sensible to me, but I don't know if you can ever talk about it with the social worker...

  10. #10
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    I'm amazed the social worker thinks you - as a disabled person especially, thinks sleeping on the sofa is a long term option. thats not your fault but it will have a detrimental effect on your health. YOU need support from social services.

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