Parenting..advise needed

[Anewbeginning]

Hi,
I didn't think that this fitted in the parenting section as its about my problems as a disabled parent. My physical condition has deteriorated quite rapidly over the past few years and I am unable to use consequences such as time out consistently and my kids are using this to their advantage. I can't chase after them and they disappear upstairs or downstairs when I am asking them to do something. Basically, they have become lazy, won't pick up after themselves or do things such as homework or getting ready when I ask. It's constant battles, I find it really embarrassing and depressing and it's affecting me a lot. I'm really fed up of them and embarrassed by how they are treating me at the moment. Any tips on getting the little blighters to do as I ask? We use positive rewards etc, it's mainly the inconsistency of consequences that is the problem I think. Both are primary school age x

[pmlindyloo]

This link provides links to organisations that can help.

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Disabilit...d-parents.aspx

Joining a forum often produces good tips.

[Anewbeginning]

Thank you, I have never had an assessment of needs, twice I got told I was having one but it was just someone from our LA asking me questions over the phone and then an OT came to the house, nothing like it mentions in the link. I asked for help from children's services 3 times and also just got phone calls with a health visitor coming round once but she couldn't think of anything that would help. I will get on to that tomorrow and read through some forums for tips x

[Kaff79]

Hello

I've read a few of your posts and you sound very similar to me, the medical side of things that you are dealing with, as well as being a parent. I became disabled just after giving birth and have restricted mobility with neuropathic pain. I use the reward to manage my son behaviours. I can't chase after him or pick him up and put him on the naughty spot so I have to do things differently. I make my own reward chart pick prizes with him from Amazon. He knows it's in the post and has to be good until it arrives. I usually set a two week reward chart and he will win a toy of some sort. At the moment he wants a golden star, like in the Zog storybook. It doesn't have to be expensive but focuses on good behaviour to achieve a goal. I don't tell him off for doing anything wrong. I sit him down when he's ready and show him the prize, explain why he isn't getting a sticker today and that his behaviour has cost him the progress in the reward chart. I try to make it a road or pyramid or something that shows progress toward the end goal. Then as he adds each sticker and gets closer he can see for himself. It doesn't stop the naughtiness. But it does set firm boundaries and keeps his antics within a manageable space for me.

Where abouts are you? I'm happy to chat if you want to PM me ???? Xx

[Anewbeginning]

Hi Kaff79,

I should have read this before commenting on the other post lol!

We have used reward charts consistently for a number of years as well as routine charts as one of my children has ASD. I feel at the moment that they are both probably a bit spoilt as they just don't seem to care about the rewards and the consequences have just become a comedy act when I'm on my own with them. I think you are right and that this is the key but I need to really think hard about what would motivate them and update what we are using as its not having the desired effect. Having reflected, I think I also need to stop over compensating for things I can't do physically, hence my thought about them being spoiled. I have phoned our LA and asked for an assessment, waiting for a call back.
Does your son ever disappear up or downstairs and you can't chase after him? That's become an issue for me and unfortunately, both kids have caught on to that, grrrrr
Xx

[Paul]

Reward charts don't work for some children as the reward is too far away for them to concentrate on.

As adopters we have a similar problem with our 6 yr old, however there are certain disciplinary things we cannot do due to her background. What does work is "Praising the good, ignoring the bad" - harder than it reads!

We give her boundaries so she knows she is safe, but then perhaps she gets away with a bit more than others, she respects us though as we treat her more maturely than we probably would any other 6yr old - but she's had to grow up fast in her younger years!

Your children have had that security all their lives, so perhaps you need to take some of that away? At the moment you are doing everything for them, and they are treating you like muck. Take one thing away that would make a kid fall apart after a few days - putting clothes in the washing machine.

You still need to look after their essentials, you are mum after all, feed them, clothe them, care for them. but even when my daughter came home to us aged 3 she could put her own clothes in the wash, and still does!

Monday morning "mum where's my uniform?" Mum: "On your bedroom floor, you didn't put it in the wash!"

If that doesn't work, take something else away that they take for granted. That perhaps you did as a child.

Give it a go for a few days, you've nothing to lose. Good luck.

[Anewbeginning]

Thanks Paul, I do need to take something away from them, but still undecided. Previously they have helped out quite a bit in the house, mainly the older one but they have both become more and more reluctant. They see me hoovering on my hands and knees because I can't stand up to do it and I think they just kinda think it's normal now. I'm quite house proud so will spend hours doing something that used to take me 5 minutes, even though I know it will hurt me, I just can't stop myself. Right now, it would be lovely to let them realise how much I do for them, I just need to find the will power I think! Ok, I've changed my mind while writing this, I've decided that once they are home today I'm going to say no to them and let them fend for themselves (to a safe extent.) wish me luck!

[Anewbeginning]

Ps: I know I spelt 'advice' wrong in my title, I thought I had edited it but it appears to have not changed!

[Kaff79]

Hey how did you get on? I think the secret is that there is no right or wrong way to do this. Everyone will have a different way of approaching a challenge and if you get some advice that works, great! The thing you need along the way is support and to know someone else is there for you. Kids will play on any vulnerability they sense. Bizarrely, they do that to test that you can keep them safe. The more scared or vulnerable they feel, the harder they will push you. Take away privileges but don't take away something that makes them feel safe. I.e restrict chocolate or TV time but not special 1:1 time with you. My boy ran off downstairs tonight, I got him back up and we had words. It was bedtime and I was firm with him. He'd then did exactly the same thing again. ???? ???? No chocolate now until he learns how to behave. I certainly do not have the answer, just some methods that work the majority of the time and the willingness to ask for ideas when what I have stops working. ???????????? bedtime is our biggest challenge right now and nothing seems to work!

[Anewbeginning]

I have EDS HM and also have Fibro! I've had problems on and off for years but ended up in the state I am now because of pregnancy 5 years ago, so many coincidences!
This week has been a bit better so far, older one not too bad but younger one pushing his luck whe he's supposed to be brushing his teeth at bedtime and getting toys out when he shouldn't be.
I think it's probably just a stage he's going through but he doesn't do it as much when my husband is there.

We have a playroom downstairs with a lot of their things in. I tidied it because they wouldn't and have now locked the door so if they want things out of there, they will have to be well behaved first. I've also spoken to all my family and asked them not to give them any gifts or pocket money. I've also asked that if my children don't say please, don't give them want they want!
I asked the LA for a needs assessment, not sure why I haven't had one before as they already had all my details as have had an OT round before. They also gave my details for a local organisation for young carers who
rang me straight away saying they should be able to help us. I'm also waiting for another call back about an assessment of needs for one of my children who has social and communication problems but that was supposed to be yesterday so will follow it up again today. I shouldn't have let my life get this hard before I sought help to be honest but I've learnt a few lessons, including that you need to constantly bug some organisations to get what you need!
Apologies if I come across as negative, I don't mean to be all doom and gloom, I just get a bit depressed with how things have turned out. Both my kids were planned, I bought and read lots of parenting books before I had them and we had a clear plan of what sort of parents we wanted to be, things just wrong with my stupid body and messed it up x