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Thread: Meeting people

  1. #1

    Meeting people

    My best friend is having no luck at all meeting somebody. She is in her mid 30's and has never been in any form of relationship with anyone.

    The thing that puts people off? She's disabled. Unfortunately, men seem to see only this part of her when in fact she is extremely successful career wise, has a lovely home, fancy car, goes on lots of amazing holidays, is very independent, extremely sociable, attractive and glamorous... The list goes on.

    I think the fact that she is so 'nice' also doesn't help. She's had a few dates through online dating which haven't been great (even though she is completely honest about her disability in her profile) and they haven't gone anywhere. She doesn't have the confidence or know how to be flirty, it's just not in her and I don't know how to help.

    She tries not to think about it but when we have heart to hearts she gets extremely upset about not being able to meet anyone and feels very low. This is the one bit of her life she feels is missing and she is very clear on that. It makes her feel a failure but more importantly, she craves being loved and wanted which I completely understand.

    She is desperate not to go out with anyone who also has an obvious disability as she doesn't want to be labelled "the cute disabled couple". As much as I love my friend, this is where I think her own prejudices get in the way, she tends to talk about somebody who doesn't necessarily exist as she has extremely high standards and expectations of everyone in life.?*

    She works in a job where meeting men just isn't an option and isn't part of any social groups or activities where men might be there. I've suggested she try this but I think she's starting to lose hope and confidence.

    What can she do?

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Online dating can work. It did for me....now in my 50's (MS and wheelchair user), my partner and I met online (he's kidney patient so disabled too). We've been together for 4 yrs......although atm we still live apart with the appalling lack of suitable housing to rent.!!
    I'd say not to concentrate on the "i want to meet someone" part and focus on the "make a social life" bit.
    What are her interests? likes? hobbies? Try Meet up......there are some in most areas and all interests. Meeting groups of ppl is just the start.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Lighttouch's Avatar
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    You can meet new people through your hobbies and interests.

    Tonight I'm meeting a friend for a Turkish meal out then going to the lcal theatre to see a live 'Swing' band sing the old classics. We both share an interest in 'access issues' and belong to the same organisation.

    It's all a bit fun while finding more out about a woman you're interested in.

    So my advice - make time to go out and do new things with new people. Don't wait for things to happen - make things happen.

  4. #4
    Senior Member TheFlyingKidney's Avatar
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    I learned a fair bit via a group called the Outsiders, its not for everyone, but.. Meeting people there gave me some leverage to get out there and join groups.

    The bottom of the page, purple area has text from what used to be a published document.

    http://www.outsiders.org.uk/outsidersclub/

    They also have socials.. It can be.. A stepping stone, as it was for me to be more adventurous... It did give me more confidence to be flirty, although some would deny that


    She may have to lower her perceptions and standards.. Most dating sites require a lot of fees (OK cupid and Plenty Of Fish are probably cheaper) but I'd say going to events hosted by www.meetup.com (many singles nights, professionals, and so on) might be a better option.

    A lot of the sites have 'self assessment' quizzes as well.. it can bring out a few things she may not have thought of.

    Someone once told me 'you may have to go on 12 bad dates' before you have a good one.. That's sort of stuck with me.

    @reddivine is my other half and we met on and adult social networking site, and chatted for the best part of a year before deciding neither was a psychobitch from hell or a mad axe murderer, respectively! We then decided to meet up. The rest of the story is still being written.


    When I was in my late 20's I was in the mindset of never wanting to date, or put someone through the bad bits of my life as a partner, or date another disabled person,again, I evolved, became a bit more honest with myself and decided to live my life and take a bit more of a chance.

  5. #5
    Senior Member TheFlyingKidney's Avatar
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    I wrote a whole post and it got et..

    I've found this group, and its meetings/workshops and resources a useful 'stepping stone'

    http://www.outsiders.org.uk/outsidersclub/peer-support/






    Someone once said to me that you may have to go on at least 12 bad dates before you find one thats good.

    Also does your friend know what she wants? In herself, a steady relationship, or just experiences?


    www.meetup.com is another site, with group socials of every interest imaginable, from singles groups to hobbies and so on.. And its freeish (some groups charge a small fee to cover costs, as meetup charges organisers)

    Joining classes, art, Qigong workshops for the disabled for example can work well.

    Men and women can have a glossy, picture perfect image of the world unless something has 'happened' to them or a close friend/family member is disabled..

    I met @reddivine on a social networking site, and we chatted online for about a year, phone, Skype and letters, before we decided mutually that neither was a psychobitch from hell or mad axe murder.. Then we finally met up..

  6. #6
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    I have not met anyone new in years! My husband passed about 8 years ago and I wanted to meet someone, but I am to shy! I spoke to someone at http://wowdate.co.uk who advised that I should go for it!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by WoolyLass View Post
    The thing that puts people off? She's disabled. Unfortunately, men seem to see only this part of her
    Quote Originally Posted by WoolyLass View Post
    She is desperate not to go out with anyone who also has an obvious disability as she doesn't want to be labelled "the cute disabled couple".
    This is a bit of a double standard. She doesnt want someone with an obvious disability, yet is critical of men who think the same.

    That being said, she has had dates via online sites. These men have been aware of her disability, yet still went on the dates. This suggests the disability wasnt a big issue to them. The fact that none of them have developed into relationships wouldnt be to concerning. Ive lost count of the number of dates ive been on over the years. Very few have developed into relationships.

    Is it possible that you could arrange to do something with your friend. Perhaps something as simple as going for a few drinks. Your having a few drinks with friends rather than looking for men, but are putting her into an environment where men are likely to be present. You never know what could develop.

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