Do I have a right to be upset or am I being too sensitive?

[Lovebug]

Growing up, I had one brother and one sister. My brother lives abroad but my sister lives locally. My sister and I would play when we were young but then I became disabled just before leaving primary school and the distance between us grew. To me, she was just a nightmare teenager who gave my parents lots of worry and stress but I just presumed that as adults we would become friends. Today, even though we are in our late 30's, we still only have a civil relationship, the same you'd have with your neighbour or work colleague which I've had to accept.

What's upset me though is my birthday. My sister has 4 children 10 years old and younger and every year I buy each of them a gift and card 'from their auntie' as well as for my sisters birthday. Over the years, I've been a real idiot spending lots of money on 'cool' gifts for these kids but a few weeks ago it was my birthday and, for the 2nd year running, not even a card from my sister and family. Do I have a right to be upset when I would never miss theirs? Also at Christmas I buy the neice/nephew/sister cards where as she gives me a multi pack card even though she buys personalised cards for other family members.

My sister is the highly strung, selfish, can't talk to type of person. She takes offence by the slightest thing. Our parents are afraid of upsetting her just in case they can't see their grandchildren anymore.

The other thing that's upsetting me which is one of the reason I restrict how much of the family I see now is the children. They seem to have adopted the same attitude towards me and my family that my sister has, meaning that they give the impression they are just barely tolerating us when we are there which is upsetting as they are gorgeous, bubbly children around others but change as soon as I enter the room, even though, on birthdays, it's my gift they look for first!! They've also never said thank you for their gifts which I find rude. We were always taught to say thank you, even after the event.

I wish I didn't care but it's impossible to make yourself not care especially when your stomach is turning.

[reddivine]

Well you don't need permission to be upset. Your are obviously. Scale down the pressie giving, kids get far too much these days. We give not for what we expect to get in return, but because we have a generous heart. So you have one and the sister....maybe not.

You don't say what yr disability is. That can colour kids expectations and attitudes. They may be afraid or nervous. Having said that, kids usually take their clues from parents. Maybe not....my mom is a total bigot and racist and I'm not!!!
Same with the thank yous - kids first teachers are their parents ,and some folks do a shite job of passing on moral values

[Cornwall]

Yes I think you have every right to be upset.
As a child I was told a gift was never mine until I said thank you. Perhaps the children should have this explained to them.
At Christmas a card with a note in it saying that rather than a gift to them you have made a donation to a charity of your choice.

[nukecad]

At Christmas a card with a note in it saying that rather than a gift to them you have made a donation to a charity of your choice.

I may be disparaging modern kids, but most under 10 yo's that I know would not fully understand this and would just see it as 'no present'.

[Cheekybird]

I used to buy a decent present for nieces and nephews, even though I had to save to buy them. The said relatives barely bothered with my kids... So I just stopped. I know it's you're sister, but it's decency. I wouldn't bother with them, send a basic Xmas card. See how she likes it. Do what makes you happy, you have one life... Live it as full as you can and make yourself happy. Xxxxx

[gus]

I have two sisters one is caring and helpful and we talk everyday.The other only calls me when she wants help and normally at the last minute so I have no choice.She never asks if I feel well enough to help she just assumes.None of the family have had a birthday/Christmas card or present from her in 20 years and there are only eight of us in total.I always send her a card and a present if I can afford one I don't even get a thank you.

She has not spoken to our dad in 8 years yet he has still included her in his will and considering she is money mad this could be a problem in the future.She has a decent heart but can be incredible selfish and manipulative what's the old saying "you can choose your friends but not your family".
Personally I would do whatever you believe would make you happy and if that upsets anyone else so be it.

[marilynmcl]

Och Lovebug....if it upsets you so much how you are treated by your sister then have you told her face to face about this?....whether she is the 'highly strung,selfish,can't talk to ' lassie....you have to 'let it out' how she makes you feel as it is obviously festering. If she takes extreme offence and you never talk again.....where is the loss? The way she and her weans treat you has to be addressed surely. And as for the pressie giving.....that is up to you ...but I wouldn't waste my money to be honest....you could, if you really love them, even though you feel it is not returned, open a wee savings account and put the money you would have spent for Christmas/birthday pressies into this for them. It is up to you, pet. It seems like this lassie has everyone on tenterhooks and they are afraid of how she will react if she is stood up to....this is bullying to be honest. Good luck and hope things get better for you.

[keithl]

My thoughts would be to not let this upset you - you can feel happy in that you have done the right thing by the children, and as they get older and more independant they may grow to like you as a person and not just a present giver. Stop buying presents for your sistser "so I can spend more on the children".

[Lovebug]

Thanks for all your comments. My sister has actually outdone herself in the past few weeks since I wrote this post. 2 months ago, due to a new medical condition I was told by doctors that it would be life threatening for me to fly in the next 6 months. 3 weeks ago my sister decided she wants to get married in the Caribbean this year. Bottom line, my family aren't invited. To make matters worse I love to travel and I love family get togethers and I've missed out on a free family holiday. Due to the generosity my dad showed to both my brother and I when we got married, he's paying for close family to have a 2 week break in the Caribbean as part of the wedding package. It's also insulting as she was my matron of honour at my wedding and her kids all took part as bridesmaids, flower girl and page boys.

I haven't seen my sister since this all unfolded and I have no idea how to respond if or when I do see her as I could come across as bitter and trying to spoil her big event but it's upsetting and embarrassing as everybody who hears about the wedding presume I'm going to be the Matron of Honour. I know some of you advised telling her outright how I feel about her behaviour but the reason I've always kept the peace is for my parents sake as life would be difficult for them if we couldn't be in the same room.

Any advice on how to respond when I see her? What do I say to her regarding the wedding?

[sea queen]

Maybe now is the time to remove yourself mentally if you can from this sibling.
She doesn't appear to value family members that much.
Maybe she just lives for her own family and doesn't think other family members would be bothered.

Consentrate on your own family if you can and put your sister into the background x